Satan Gave Me a Taco - Part 1
by MonkeysayTooqua
Summary: a taco...a really bad day...people abused... more abuse... perfect for all you people that are looking for a sensless, pointless, story written by an insane author... lots of fights...lots of arguments...Please R+R....


Okay people, this is my first songfic. It was a dare put up by VenusSaturnalia, and I happened to be the only one idiot enough to take it. Please read and review and all the good stuff. I have plans to write sequels with my friend and co-author (to other songfics and stories) Phinixious. You can flame me if you want to, but be warned, I have a bucket a water ready.[the death threats aren't from me.really.J/K] If you review my fan fiction stories, then I will try to read and review yours. Feel free to e-mail me.  
  
YoQuieroDracoMalfoy@yahoo.com  
  
Oh and it's not perfect because I don't have a Brit-proofer.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the crazy spontaneous notion to take Venus' dare. ( And Beck owns the original 'Satan Gave Me a Taco' song.  
  
*****Rating: This is rated PG-13 for content in the song and some language. *****  
  
And now the songfic......  
  
Satan Gave Me a Taco - Part I  
  
Satan gave me a taco and it made me really sick  
  
The chicken was all raw and the grease was mighty thick  
  
The rice was all rancid and the beans were so hard  
  
I was gettin' kinda dizzy eatin' all the lard  
  
There was aphids on the lettuce an' I ate every one  
  
" Harry..Harry...Harry!..Harry!!....HARRRY!!!" The voice kept getting louder and louder every time he.was it a he?.said my name.  
  
"Harry get your ass over here!"  
  
"What? Who's calling me?"  
  
"Me!" Harry whirled around and saw no one.  
  
"Hey, there's no one here! Who are you?!"  
  
"Turn on the light, boy! It would help you see.".'Why do I even bother' the man thought to himself.a voice popped into his head.. 'You are doing this for me'.he responded. 'right, sorry sir.'..at that point Harry turned on the lights.  
  
"Okay who are you?"  
  
"I am Satan!" the 'dah dah dah' dramatic music played here for a while and then slowly died out  
  
"No your not, your Lucius Malfoy. Hey how's Draco. Is he still dating Hermione?"  
  
"Don't mention those names! And I am not Lucius, I am Satan!". pauses for a while.then says to author: 'Ahem.where is the dramatic music?'  
  
Me: sorry, it took a vacation have a rubber turkey instead.  
  
the rubber turkey appears in the center of the room  
  
" I don't want a rubber turkey, I want the dramatic music!"  
  
Me: too bad live with it. Harry, do you have anything to add?  
  
"Yeah, can you make the fake turkey a real fully cooked turkey? I'm starving!".at that point Lucius intervened.  
  
"I have a better idea, Harry, eat this!"..he turned his back to us and produced a weird-looking taco.  
  
Harry looked at the taco suspiciously.(see song for description).but then hunger took over and he devoured the taco like there was no tomorrow!!!  
  
An' after I was done the salsa melted off my tongue  
  
Pieces of tortilla got stuck in my throat  
  
An' the stains on my clothes burned a hole through my coat  
  
My stomach was a-tremblin' and I broke out in a rash  
  
I was so dry and thirsty and I didn't have no cash  
  
So I went and found a hose, tore off all my clothes  
  
Turned on the water and it shot right up my nose  
  
Lucius laughed a deep evil laugh. "Muahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!".and disappeared.  
  
"I'm not feeling so good" Harry said.  
  
Me: You shouldn't have eaten that taco.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me before? What's gonna happen to me? Do you know, you're the author!"  
  
Me: Yes I know but I'm not going to tell you!!! Hahahahahah!!!! rolls on floor laughing hysterically, realizes that the story cannot go on with out an author to do what ever the hell she wants to with the characters, regains composure (all mental sanity is lost), sits back at the computer, and resumes typing.  
  
"Your evil" Harry said just before he started jumping up and down. " Ahhhh!" His mouth was burning. He quickly opened it to let out the steam that was accumulating on the roof of his mouth only to discover that the salsa had not only been to hot for his liking, it was also burning and melting off his tongue.  
  
"The.cough, cough.tortilla.sputter, sputter.is getting.cough, sputter.stuck in my.sputter, cough.throat! Must.find..water..must.drink.something.Ahhhhh! My body is getting heated way beyond the normal body temperature. This can't get any worse!  
  
Me: Yes it can.he he.  
  
"Noooo! I don't have any cash! Must buy water.no, don't give me any ideas!"  
  
Me: There's a water hose over there.drink.drink.  
  
"No! NO!"  
  
Me: aw, come on. You know you want to..  
  
"No, no.oh alright! I'm going to drink from the hose!"  
  
Me: Yippee!  
  
Some old lady came along and she thought I was a freak  
  
So she beat me with a handbag till I could hardly speak  
  
I was lying there naked, my body badly bruised  
  
In a pool of my own blood, unconscious and confused  
  
Well, the cops came and got me and threw me in their van  
  
And I woke up on the ceiling and I couldn't find my hand  
  
The only sounds heard were those of Harry gulping down the water from the water hose.  
  
"Okay that feel much better! No more salsa. This day is looking up!"  
  
Me: Not for long..  
  
"Hey what's that supposed to mean!"  
  
Me: Oh, nothing..hey look its Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Hey Professor..gulp, gulp, gulp.what.gulp, gulp.are you .gulp.doing in a muggle neighborhood.gulp." Harry was trying to talk and drink water at the same time.why is she looking at me funny?"  
  
Me: You'll see..you'll see.  
  
"Okay that's not a good thing..here she comes.er.Professor."  
  
"Ahhh! Get away from me you freak or I'll beat you with my hand bag, or better yet, my trusty rusty companion since third year!"  
  
"Professor, it's me Harry.hey, you don't have a trusty rusty companion."  
  
"Oh yeah! And what would you know about having a trusty rusty companion Mr. Potter?"  
  
"I know a lot. I have two!"  
  
"I don't think Miss Granger would count as one lately she's been spending a lot of time with Mr.Malfoy. and Ron has not exactly been there either.what happened to him?"  
  
"I don't know.he said something about a pink I-something or other and a flying whatcha-ma-call-it."  
  
"Any ways, back to my point." at this moment she put on a whiny voice. "I do to have a trusty rust companion.watch."  
  
" I don't feel like it.I need more water." with that Harry began drinking from the hose again spraying Professor McGonagall with water.  
  
"Arghhh! You freak! That's it this is for not paying attention." she hit Harry once hard on the shoulder.  
  
"Ouch.hey that hurts."  
  
"Good it should.this is for splattering me with water." she hit Harry hard again over the other shoulder.  
  
"OUCH.that hurt woman!"  
  
"This is for calling me woman." she hit Harry hard again but this time in the stomach, knocking him to the ground and leaving him gasping for breath.  
  
"Hey.gasp.this is.gasp.not.gasp.funny!"  
  
"Of course it's not funny! It's not supposed to be funny! Now Potter, meet my trusty rusty companion since third year.Sir Gluestick!" McGonagall reached into her bag and pulled out a thin glue stick.the glue stick notices the change of light and opens his eyes.he turns to Harry and says.  
  
"I pray thee my Lord, what day be it?"  
  
"It's the.er.um.I don't know."  
  
"Well a fat lot of good that does anyone! Hmp!" McGonagall chose this point to interfere.  
  
"Alright shut up all of you! Here's for saying I don't have a trusty rusty companion." McGonagall started beating up Harry with the poor glue stick it was not a pretty sight  
  
"Ouch.hey.that hurts.what did I do..ouch.ahhhhh.."  
  
"Hey let me go you traitorous fiend.I want out.you've kept me since.ouch since your third year. I want freedom.."  
  
more tortured screams from Harry placed here  
  
more whining and complaining from Sir Gluestick placed here  
  
EVENTUALLY.  
  
"Well, now you've done it woman.he's out cold."  
  
"Oh shut up Gluestick." she shoved him back in her bag and left quickly.  
  
..Harry rose and shook his head. 'damn.where did all this blood come from.where am I ..who the hell are you two' ..he had just noticed the two figures staring at him.one was exceptionally tall.the other was really ugly.  
  
"Hey Hagrid.hey Filch. hey Mrs. Norris.MRS. NORRIS.FILCH.what are they doing here?! Damn.they get uglier every year!"  
  
"We're the police." Filch's statement was followed by a meow of acknowledgement from Mrs. Norris ".and your under arrest."  
  
"What.me what for?"  
  
"Well 'Arry.let me see.unnecessary nakedness.er.drinking water from other peoples hose.trespassing .and oh yes.because we feel like it!" Harry was picked up and thrown in to the van..inside he met none other than.duh duh duh dramatic music plays.Ron Weasly!  
  
"Oh yeah.Now the dramatic music returns from vacation.how convenient."  
  
Me: Yes, very convenient isn't it Lucius.he he he he ha ha ha ha.Ron now spoke up  
  
"Hi Harry, whatcha in for?"  
  
"I'm not sure.you." he began to study the things Ron had with him.it was definitely something he had never seen before.  
  
"er.um." turns to author and questions "What am I in for again."  
  
Me: Okay for the last time. you are gay, LOVE the color pink, and were arrested for the following; 1) flying a pink elephant without a license. 2) having a pink I-Mac turned on while flying a pink elephant with out a licensee. 3) giving the fake pencil to the police when they asked for a real pencil to write up all the reasons that know one except Harry cares you were arrested.and lastly.4) because I said so. is that all?  
  
"Yes thank you." he now turns to Harry. "what she said Harry.wait a minute. I'm not gay!"  
  
Me: Well.you are now  
  
"no I'm not"  
  
Me: Yes you are  
  
"no I'm not"  
  
Me: Yes you are  
  
"look you #&%$## I'm not"  
  
Me: Yes you $#^%&^&*()*&^ are  
  
"Like hell I am.!#$%^&*((*&*^%$#@!@#@$^&&(&^%#@$"  
  
Me: Oh yeah well @!#@$$^*(*(_&^%$#@!#$%^&^*()()((*&^%$#$&()_+_)*&^%$#@  
  
"Alright that's it break it up!"  
  
Me: NO!  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Jeez okay, okay I'm sorry.you may continue"  
  
"#@^^&*^$%#@!*)($##@(&%#@$^*)Y@!~!@#%*((*%#@!#^&(&^$!!*)__)&^%#@()*&^%##%*(* *()*&"  
  
Me: Oh yeah is that so well..  
  
the content featured in the next few lines was felt by Harry to be to strong.even for cartoon swear words.it has there fore been replaced by a simple sign...  
  
****CENSORED****  
  
ANY WAYS.Harry woke up on the ceiling with his hand missing later on.  
  
"Ahh.where is my hand?"  
  
Me: I don't know.look for it .  
  
"You again?! Arghhhh.you're evil!"  
  
Me: We've been through this already. I am evil and can do whatever the hell I want with you people.  
  
"Is that why Hermione is in love with Malfoy"  
  
"No Potty, she just doesn't love either of you"  
  
"No that's not true"  
  
Me: No, Malfoy was right and I think they make a cute couple.  
  
"See I was right,"  
  
"Shut up Malfoy"  
  
"Make me"  
  
"I will"  
  
"You love me right love?"  
  
"Yes Draco.I love you"  
  
Me: Oh shut up all of you or I'll make something else happen.  
  
"Okay"  
  
"What are you going to do to me next?"  
  
Me: Well let's see..  
  
They took me to the judge, his eyes a-glowin' red  
  
The courtroom was filled with witches and the dead  
  
Well, the sheriff was a hellhound with fangs and claws  
  
The prisoners were tied up and chained to the walls  
  
The air was gettin' thick; the smoke was gettin' thicker  
  
The judge read the verdict: said, "Cut off his head!"  
  
"Harry Potter.What do you have to say now?"  
  
"Where the hell am I and who are you.Dumbledore?"  
  
"That's my name.don't wear it out.I am.Dumbledore the Judge"  
  
"Okay then ahhh.Ginny, love, what happened to you.and you Fred.George. Angelina.Katie. Dean.Seamus.Parvati.Lavender.Neville. what happened to you and Ahhhhhh."  
  
dramatic music followed by a close up on Snape.the scariest of them all"  
  
"Who.well I know you are Snape, so it should be.What the hell are you?"  
  
"I am a hellhound with large fangs and sharp claws"  
  
"Ahhh.I'm gonna die.what am I hear for. too many witches and dead zombie looking people."  
  
"Hey, come on Harry we don't look that bad"  
  
"No Fred you don't look that bad"  
  
"It could be worse"  
  
"Oh? How so George?"  
  
"Well Angelina."  
  
"We could have rotting flesh."  
  
"Yes Parvati"  
  
"Eww.or really sharp teeth."  
  
"Yes Lavender."  
  
"Or a melting cauldron."  
  
"Yes Neville"  
  
"Or a box of make-up plastered on our face."  
  
"Yes Seamus."  
  
"yuck.with perfume."  
  
"Yes Ginny"  
  
"or worse."  
  
"Really.what could be worse Dean" everyone turns and listens to Dean with great interest  
  
"Having Parvati and Lavender as girlfriends" lots of nods and agreements from the male population  
  
" Hey what was that for?"  
  
"Yes, are we really that bad?"  
  
"I don't know it was in the script"  
  
"Why is it in the script?"  
  
Me: Okay.we've been through this. I get to do what I want.now can we please continue with the story.or I'll fire all of you and go find a new fan fiction cast!  
  
"Yes we're sorry"  
  
"on we go"  
  
Me: Thank you.  
  
"No don't go on with the story.all the stuff happens to me!"  
  
everyone turns around .and remembers that Harry is still there  
  
"Oh yes, that reminds me.Off with his head.hellhound if you would do the honors."  
  
"It would be my pleasure Mr. Judge"  
  
"No.you can't do that..you're evil."  
  
Me: Oh yeah.what are you going to do to stop me.beat me up with your wand.  
  
"Maybe"  
  
Me: Well guess what.wands aren't in this story Muahhhahahahhahahahahahahah..  
  
is joined by hysterical laughter from the witches and dead people and the prisoners..Vernon.Petunia. Duddly.and Aunt Marge.  
  
Well, they placed me on the altar, and they raised up the ax  
  
My head was about to explode when I noticed the Marshall stacks  
  
I noticed all the smoke machines, cameras and the lights  
  
Some guy with a microphone, runnin' around dancin' in tights  
  
And I noticed the crew and the band playin' down below  
  
And I realized I was in a rock video  
  
"NO.NO.not the altar.leave me be"  
  
evil laughter rings of the walls.Harry panics.then realizes.  
  
"Wait a minute.that's not an alter."  
  
"No Harry...it's a field of grass.of course it's not an alter!"  
  
"Hermione.what are you wearing?"  
  
"The standard band uniform"  
  
uniforms are left for you're imagination to create.Draco walks in  
  
"Hey no pinching"  
  
"Sorry love." whispers in Hermione's ear as Harry pays attention to his surroundings "so Harry has finally figured out this is a rock video?"  
  
"I think he's getting there"  
  
"Hey.there's a guy dancing around in tights.McGonagall.Flitwick.Sinistra.Vector.Sprout.Bins. Lupin.Sirius.Narcissa.What are they doing here"  
  
"We, Harry are the crew."  
  
"That's right Narcissa, we are the crew"  
  
"What are you Sirius, my echo?"  
  
"Sounds like it to me"  
  
"Shut up Remus"  
  
"Wanna make me"  
  
"Boys please!"  
  
"Yes Professor McGonagall"  
  
"You know Minerva, they graduated a few years ago.they don't have to listen to you any more"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Flitwick.you're not helping"  
  
"Yes he is.he's just not helping you"  
  
"Gee thanks Professor Vector"  
  
"Hey.I think Bins is calling for a light setup."  
  
"Right Sprout.I'm on it."  
  
"Thank you Remus"  
  
"Does anyone see my point?"  
  
"No sorry Minerva"  
  
"What is the point of this then?"  
  
Me: To make you all talk so the readers will know that you are here.  
  
"But you didn't do that with the prisoners."  
  
Me: The prisoners were not important.on with the show.  
  
"Yippee.I'm saved it's a rock video.hey Hermione.it's good to see you still study. but what do you need the math book for."  
  
"Oh I don't use the book for studying."  
  
"Yes she doesn't.don't ask what it's for either"  
  
"What's it for"  
  
"I swear Potter, you're a dumbass to the bone.all the stuff that has happened to you and you are still asking questions"  
  
Me: Yes Harry.ask.ask  
  
"Hey.the rest of the band is looking for you guys.what are you doing."  
  
"Watching Potter ask about Herm's math book.and stay out of it Weasley."  
  
"Oh great!"  
  
"I use it to hit people that get on my nerves.here's a demonstration."  
  
picks up large and huge heavy math book and whacks Harry over the head with it.  
  
"Ouch.that hurt"  
  
"I warned you"  
  
So I went and joined the band  
  
And I went out on tour  
  
And I smoked a lot of heroin  
  
And I passed out in manure  
  
"Hey.can I join the band?"  
  
"Sure thing Potter.you only have to do one thing"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Eat a potato chip"  
  
"Don't do it Harry.don't do it."  
  
"Why not Ron it's just a potato chip."  
  
"He'll never learn will he?"  
  
Me: nope...sorry Hermione.not in this story.  
  
"It's just a potato chip"  
  
picks up a potato chip from the open bag that Draco is holding.pops it in his mouth.  
  
"Yuck.what the hell kind of potato is that."  
  
Draco smiles proudly  
  
"A stale bag of potato chips."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"You heard me Potter.a bag of stale potato chips.I kept them since the third grade."  
  
"Uh.that's disgusting!"  
  
"Hey you wanted to be in the band."  
  
"Gee thanks for the encouragement Hermione."  
  
"Hey I speak the painful truth."  
  
"So she does"  
  
"Oh yeah.a big thanks to you too Ron."  
  
Some dude on the intercom: 'Calling all band.calling all crew.take off for tour in t minus ten.nine. eight. seven.  
  
"Well we'd better get on the bus"  
  
band, crew, and the guy in tights boards bus"  
  
Some dude on the intercom: '.three. two.one.blast off."  
  
I made out with the groupies  
  
(Come on here)  
  
Started fires backstage  
  
(Oh, yeah, started 'em all)  
  
Made a lot of money  
  
(Oh, yeah, I'm makin' it)  
  
And I gave it all away  
  
(Give it all to me)  
  
you as a reader.run in your brain a make out scene between.Harry (now a part of the band) and Ginny (our number one groupie)..all because I was too lazy and lacked the mental creativity at this time of day to created and type it out myself  
  
"Ahhh.everybody run for your life!"  
  
"Sirius get the bucket of water.."  
  
"Must put out fire.must put out fire."  
  
"Harry did you do this again?"  
  
"No.it wasn't me this time.honestly.HONESTLY.speaking of me.what happens next."  
  
Me: Well.you make a lot of money.  
  
"Yay! I made loads of money.you can't live without money"  
  
Me: .and give it all away.  
  
"Yeah, you had to give me some bad luck didn't you?"  
  
Me: Hey.shut up or I will give you as much bad luck as you had in the beginning.  
  
"That might be a good thing. right Hermione?"  
  
"uhh.right sure. whatever you say Draco.I'm kinda busy right now.slamming my math book over the man in tight's head."  
  
"Sorry love"  
  
"Hey does anyone care about me?"  
  
Me: no.not really.  
  
"How rude!"  
  
Well, the band got killed  
  
(Ah, bunch of losers)  
  
So I started a solo career  
  
(Aha, yeah)  
  
And I won all the awards  
  
(Get 'em all now)  
  
And I drank all the beer  
  
(Drink it all up; get funky)  
  
I opened up a taco stand  
  
(Aha)  
  
Just to smell the smell  
  
(Oho)  
  
Cookin' with the devil  
  
Fryin' down in hell  
  
"Can I tell what happened to everyone.please?"  
  
Me: Oh al right you can tell the epilogue.but make it fast.  
  
"Yippee.okay.the band died.it's okay, they were losers anyway.I went solo.everybody knows that a single Harry is better than one with a band."  
  
"So you dumped me?"  
  
"Yes. sorry Ginny, I did"  
  
"How rude! Why do I get dumped.why can't Malfoy dump Hermione or vice- versa."  
  
Me: Because I like them together.now stick to the script!  
  
"Sorry.you can continue Harry."  
  
"Thank you.now as I was saying. I went solo.I won the awards.they are all mine.every last one of them.I got to drink all the beer I wanted to."  
  
"Hey I want beer!"  
  
"Shut up Malfoy.and eventually I went to hell.opened up a taco stand and been there ever since doing my time for actually eating the taco"  
  
"So all the stuff that happened to you wasn't enough punishment for eating the taco."  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Jeeze that's harsh"  
  
"Yeah I know."  
  
The End!  
  
Okay.that was it.if you people want more email me.and I just might post Satan Gave Me a Taco.Part 2. Please read and review.thanks and lots of love.Special thanks to:  
  
Nerey, Rachel, Dimple, Delyssa, Laura, Katie, Anastasia, Joanna, Lucy C., Jeri, and Krissy. you guys are the best buds and beta readas in the world. love ya'll.(  
  
Thanks to Epequa for the dedication.I feel so special.*sniffle..sniffle*  
  
Love.hugs and loads of thank yous to my reviewers..  
  
~Toni~ 


End file.
